My partner and I did something for the first time; we argued a lot. It was not good, it was hateful, and it made me feel like a person who was not my own person who was usually made. The results were devastating. I was angry, sad, tired, and frustrated.
What sparked the controversy?
It doesn’t matter. In fact, we both struggled with soundness, understanding, and emotional reassurance.
After the emotions returned to their original state of mind, intelligence and intelligence began to grow. I realized that the argument had happened, mostly, because something in between our relationship had to be fixed.
Most disagreements in a relationship are not as simple as my fault or your fault. It is almost always our fault. I mistakenly focused more on my partner’s mistakes in dealing with our problem than in correcting my misconduct that had contributed to the issue.
What’s going on?
I mentioned that there was something in her life that made me feel good. As time went on, I felt that the efforts to make me feel comfortable were not moving fast enough, or not being good enough. Long story short, things got worse and I lost confidence in him that he would handle this situation properly. Then I started to do the worst thing I could do: I tried to control the situation.
How do I know this?
My partner told me. My colleague said, “I feel controlled in this situation.” Suddenly, I was outraged, saddened, and terrified. After truly recording what my partner told me, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I was beginning to take control of the situation.
Why was I doing this?
Fear. Specifically, fear of injury.
The problem we were trying to overcome was similar to something from a previous relationship. So I was afraid that this situation would turn out that way. Although my partner tried to handle the problem, I did not agree with her approach. As a result, I began to control my emotions, not only verbally but also emotionally.
I was trying to control something in my partner’s life that I didn’t know and didn’t deserve. My only partner is in control of her life. If he ever feels that I am in control of his life or that I am a danger to his freedom (as long as his freedom does not respect our relationship), he will grow up to be angry with me.
Have you ever read Maya Angelou’s “Caged Bird” poem? In the poem, Angelou discusses the art of freedom and design using two birds as an example. There is a captive bird that desires to be free and has its limitless power compared to a free bird that not only grows but also rises, grows, and strikes the possibilities of the infinite world. Admittedly, Angelou was talking mainly about the oppression of black Americans, but I think what he saw worked in the relationship.
I want the best for my partner. But how can he enhance his ability if he feels I am in control? And how can our relationship grow if he, alone, does not grow?
Control is not love, folks. In management.
What can I do?
I’m sorry. I looked her in the eye as if I were mistaken. He was trying, in the best way he knew, to handle the situation and communicate with me, to be open, honest, and open about it, but I was giving him resistance.
So, from this day forward, I have put effective control back where it belongs: in his hands. All I can do is communicate how his actions make me feel and trust that he will do what is right, consistently, in our relationships.
I want my partner to relax, like a bird that rises and prospers in Angelou’s poem. And if for some reason our lifestyles are in conflict or our needs are not being met, that’s fine. It just means we are no longer compatible or we may need to create a compromise. That doesn’t mean I need control. Compromise comes from the place of love. Control is not.
I agree there is a good line of communication between control and ensuring that your needs are met. However, through communication, commitment, compromise, and trust, I am confident that the rope can go smoothly.
Here’s the thing about control – a slippery slope. You will start by controlling one condition. Then you will want that feeling more than one, and then another, and before you know it, you have become a controlling, controlling person. That is unhealthy for anyone involved.
Allow. It. Go.
So how do I plan to be consistent?
- I will listen to my partner clearly and appropriately. When my emotions are high, I will wait for a return visit so that I can better understand what he is saying.
- I will remind myself of who I am. I will look at his experience, his values, his character, and how he views the world, because the decisions he makes are based on his definition of the world and his moral compass, not mine.
- Communicate. I can only tell him how I feel, I can’t control what he does. I can only control myself.
- DON’T STOP! I repeat, I can’t control what he does. I can only control what I do.
What if I let go and my partner hurts me?
Do you remember the bird trapped in Angelou’s poem? That bird wants to be released. The more control you have, the more you press your partner out the door. Besides, losing control means letting go of your fears and learning how to trust your partner. It’s a win-win situation. You can’t be defeated.
Now, if you lose control and your partner hurts or betrays you, that’s fine too. Your partner has shown you exactly what you should have seen. That their natural state of freedom means harm to you. You can’t control that. On the positive side, you have a lot of interesting options that you can control. You can forgive your partner, try to fix it again with the hope that you will get to a better place, or you can pack your own and run to another free bird that will not to hurt you (yes, this is the real way, and yes, this is hard to do). Like I said, you won’t lose!
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE: