Relationships are a matter of giving and taking. We are quick to see when our partner takes more than a donation. And then we quickly ask the same old questions:
“Why is my partner doing well?”
“Why didn’t my partner understand me?”
“Does my partner still love me?”
“Is my partner going to break up with me?”
“How can I get my partner to listen to me?”
All of those are valid questions, especially if you have just come out of a war that ended in tears and tears. But you will probably not find satisfying answers to those questions. You may not get sure answers.
If you look closely, you will see that all those questions focus on one thing: your partner.
Let’s just take a moment that it’s not your partner, who’s at fault here, but you. It’s shocking, isn’t it?
Now you can start asking the right questions. If you answer these questions sincerely, you will find all the answers you need. Here are 7 questions you should ask when you and your partner arrive at a crossroads.
- If I were my partner, how would I react?
In a war of attrition, casualties are rare. Both sides are peeling off. Finger pointing becomes an Olympic discipline in these situations. And believe me, I’m not free from sin.
It has taken me years to achieve the necessary assumptions, and I have only done so for now and I almost gave up everything. Because of the amazing amount of patience my partner gave me, we are still together, raising a beautiful girl.
Try to minimize your feelings and look for them. Are you willing to deal with the emotional turmoil? Would you agree with everything you say? Or do you just not feel good about yourself and try to take revenge? Maybe you can try to escape this horrible situation?
Your partner is just like you – you are human. If you want to escape, do not blame your partner for trying the same.
- If I were a partner, would I be able to listen right now?
This is more common than you might think. Your partner has invested heavily in something, perhaps focusing on writing that letter, or dealing with an email from their manager, who blames them for a serious collapse at work. That’s pure stress. They are in perfect condition, focusing on all their energies in that task.
Then you go in, perhaps coming back from a good evening with friends, longing to tell your partner about the fun you once had, or about the funny situation you found yourself in. You start talking, while your partner gives you a “mmhmm” from time to time and not really listen to your story.
Now it’s not too hard to find out who to blame for it, is it? Stop there and analyze the situation. I know it’s hard, we all like to talk in a way beyond listening. But just try to understand that your partner may be busy. They don’t do this to upset you.
Change locations. Look at your partner. Will you be able to listen in their place? And do not deceive yourself. I’m sure you too are in a “state of flux” as you focus on the important task.
So you may feel annoyed with your partner for not giving up on everything they are doing right away. There is a time and place for everything. Sometimes we have to show patience. Unfortunately, life does not always turn out that way.
- Do I really know what my partner wants?
Have you ever asked them what they want? Most of us are quick to assume that this should be the same thing we want. But often that is not the case. We are all different. Each of us has slightly different desires, dreams and desires.
There is nothing wrong with that. But this can create problems if you stay in the dark about it. What are your partner’s goals? In life? In your relationship? In their work?
Maybe they feel trapped. Maybe they feel a lot of internal pressure because they think they have failed to give you the life they want to give you? And then when a war breaks out and you attack them, it is not too far for them to think that you have reached the same conclusion.
Another reason may be that they want to have children, wait for years now, and feel that their time is running out. But you didn’t look at this idea in a previous interview, so they felt afraid to talk about it.
If you don’t know what your partner really wants, it’s over because you sit down and talk about it, be open and honest.
- Was I really comfortable with my partner?
I bet you haven’t done it yet. We all have our little dirty secrets. But even if talking about bad things you feel scared at first, your partner will be able to trust you more easily if he or she knows you can’t hide it.
Most importantly, they will be able to truly support you if they know not only your strengths and glorious victories but also your dark fears and the worst defeats.
I can make my point about this with my partner. I won’t go into details for immediate reasons, but my partner has decided to open up about their previous relationship, which includes sexual harassment (inconsistent sex – I’m trying to avoid a bad name here.)
Sure, I was shocked, but it gave me more reason to give my partner all the time, space, and patience they need for our sexual health, and thank you to this day for this great sign of trust.
Fortunately, not everyone will face this situation, but you need to be honest with your partner. They can’t be there for you if you don’t let them.
- Do I support my partner?
And I don’t mean to just answer “big” when they proudly announce that someone bought their handmade scarf on eBay. As children, we all look to our parents for reassurance. That is how we grow as human beings. When we grow up and live alone, that doesn’t mean we suddenly need the support of others.
It becomes the most important anchor in your partner’s life. Even if they don’t show up, your opinion is very important.
Imagine your partner picking up a pen tomorrow to write a letter. If Stephen King himself can tell your partner that they have excellent skills in writing scary stories, and you would want the exact opposite, chances are, your partner will feel defeated and drop that pen immediately.
No matter what your partner does, you should support them with everything you can give. Just as it has supported you in all your endeavors. Your vision weighs more than gold.
Only you can be held responsible for the act or omission.
- Am I really listening to understanding, or just responding?
This problem occurs in almost every verbal war between unfamiliar partners. Instead of listening to the complaints of our colleagues to understand their point of view, we simply choose whatever they say in response to a devastating response.
Congratulations, you are a champion of the debate. But he completely failed to be a good partner.
At the end of the day, your partner is on the same side as you. They are not your opponents. They would not be your partner in any other way. Although your views differ in this situation, the goal should be to get to the middle ground, not to get applause from the audience who judge your argument on the sidelines.
Listen to your partner. Try to understand what they are saying and why. Especially if your partner is emotionally affected. Emotions suppress the mind. This means that they will let their pure and true feelings shine, whether they want to or not.
If you deal with these feelings, you can make them feel better. Often that is all we need in such a verbal fight.
- How does my partner feel?
That is a very important question. You know how you feel. But you can only guess at how your partner really feels. This is the cause of much misunderstanding, misinterpretation of the partner’s feelings when faced with problems.
If you accuse them of something serious and they begin to defend themselves, this is not an admission of guilt. This is a natural way to be suddenly thrown into court.
The most important rule here is: do not think.
You will only make things worse if you give your thinking more weight than your partner’s response. And you lose a lot of trust when you make a suspicion that can end up being baseless.
This was also the last straw that almost broke my relationship. I blamed my partner for a crime they had never committed. And during that ordeal, I was so focused on whether or not they did, that I never bothered to ask them how they felt.
Your partner’s feelings should not only be important in such a situation, however. You should always ask yourself how your partner is feeling. When they feel overwhelmed by work, give them a place. Or he was there to them like an anchor in a storm. If they feel down, it may be only you who can make them happy. If they can’t even trust their partner, who else is there?
What I took from all this
My short answer would be “my future.” If I had not learned to see the other side as I do today, I would have lost my partner forever. I still don’t know how they were able to put up with me for so long. I realized I couldn’t.
I know that not everyone will have such a patient and forgiving partner next to him. That’s why I hope this article has opened your eyes to a different look. If things are going badly right now, there is still time to change things.
Be better first, then you will bring more harmony between you and your partner automatically. Maybe you can point out your partner here while telling them you worked on your own example. If they look, or just see what you have done, they will probably think of themselves in the same way.
The more the two get along, the more real love will grow. Now I wish you a long and happy relationship.
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