They are not imaginary machines. We hear thinking machines. ”— Antonio Antonioasio, neurologist
Emotional intelligence is the ability to accurately understand your own feelings and those of others, to understand the emotional signals of relationships, and to manage your own feelings and those of others. It contains the following features:
Motivation (defined as “love of work beyond money and status”)
Empathy for others
Social skills, such as the ability to manage relationships and build networks
In his new book Dare to Lead, researcher Brene Brown expands and deepens the definition of emotional intelligence based on a seven-year study of one of its pillars, at risk, in the context of career leadership. Below we have summarized some of his major results in an effort to keep the conversation about emotional intelligence alive.
Being in danger
Brene Brown, whose new book Dare to Lead discusses the critical importance of risk-taking leadership and personal development, draws the following conclusion from decades of research: Leadership requires courage, and you cannot be brave without risking it. His book is about being more confident about being at risk, so he uses a lot of it to focus on how much more dangerous you can be in communicating with others.
Here are a few steps you can take with your topic:
The courage to be in danger is not to win or lose; it’s about the courage to show where you can predict or control the outcome.
Be at risk of becoming overconfident: rely on circumstances rather than on circumstances that make us feel insecure, threatened, or spiritually exposed.
Practice knowing and loving yourself (how you earn results for who you are)
Adds a few ideas to teachers and students and:
“As I often tell teachers – some of our most important leaders – we cannot always ask our students to disarm at home, or on their way to school, because their emotional and physical safety may require self-defense. But what we can do, and are called to morally, is create a place in our schools and classrooms where all students can come in, and, in that day or hour, take off the stressful weight of their armor, hang a rack, and open their hearts to be seen for real.
“We must be guardians of the space that allows students to breathe and be curious to explore the world and become who they are without being deprived of air. They deserve one place where they can be known for being in danger and their hearts can be put out. And what I know from research is that we should never underestimate the value of a child having a place to live – even one – where he can take off his weapons. It can change and often change the direction of their lives. ”
Brown warns us of the danger of “foreshadowing happiness,” or the joy we spare to protect ourselves in the event of a sudden turn of events:
“When talking to large groups, I often ask myself: ‘When something big is happening in your life, how many of you are just beginning to celebrate and find yourself thinking,’ Don’t be so happy, that just invites disaster? ‘ I’m going up… ”
“Happiness is the most vulnerable feeling we feel,” Brown explained. “And that means something, because I’m studying fear and shame.”
He invites us to receive joy whenever we hear it. Doing so allows us to truly enjoy life but, more important, provides greater protection than disarmament:
“We can’t plan for tragic times – we know this for sure, because people who are forced to live in those times tell us that there is no accident or disaster preparedness plan for you. The trauma of this animal’s collision [wearing these armor] is that it robs us of the joy we need to build an emotional repository, a joy that allows us to build self-reliance when bad things happen. ”
Celebrating happiness, Brown recommends allowing yourself the joy of accomplishing something, love and happiness “by combining gratitude for the present and the opportunity.”
“Let me see the tremors of danger – say ‘Oh shit, I have something to lose my feelings for now – and just sit with it and thank you for having something you want, in your hand, good to hold and see. ”
Equally important: Share your happiness with others. Some of us may allow ourselves to feel it inside but not allow ourselves to share it with others; some may share with others but may not really feel inside. We need to get used to doing both. As long as it doesn’t come with an agenda tied to social status, and it’s just a real expression of your feelings, it’s not bragging. People like to feel good about themselves and others.
Compassion, Not Compassion
He is sensitive to the feelings of others; empathy for someone. The latter calls for communication; the previous drive is released. Most of us would rather hear “I was” than “I’m sorry.”
Showing empathy does not mean comforting the person. It means being able to “stand in an uncomfortable position” for someone.
“Empathy is the foundation of connection,” Brown wrote. “Being able to stand up and take offense at people who are embarrassed, or hurt, or frustrated, or difficult, and who can say to them ‘I see you, and I can take the place of this’ is an example of courage. ”
“The most important words you can say to someone or hear from someone in a struggle are‘ Me too. You are not alone. ’”
By empathizing with a stranger:
“Involve yourself. Always want to know. Stay connected. Stop being afraid to say the wrong thing, the need to correct it, and the desire to give a complete answer that cures everything (that won’t happen). You don’t need to do it completely. Just do it.”
The ability to set boundaries with regard to others is crucial to emotional intelligence. Another very clever insight given in the book is that boundaries lead to more sensitivity, not less. Brown himself points out that learning to set boundaries limits his ability to be “sweet but lovely.” When we explain what is right and what is wrong, we should stop being angry with others for not reading our minds and stop being angry with them for not talking to them immediately.
You cannot be in danger without limits.
“Danger without limits is not a danger. It can be fear or anxiety. We need to think about why we are sharing and, more importantly, with whom. What are their roles? What is our role? Is this sharing productive and appropriate? ”
According to Brown’s study, participants cited exposure, anger, and anxiety as major drivers of anesthesia, and anger is almost always related to a lack of boundaries.
When we understand our limitations and make them clear to others, we can become more fully empathetic and compassionate.
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